a pessimist's journal


*evil# no. 2

This is way overdue, but its here at last


*evil# no. 1

After much delay, procrastination, laziness and a host of other things, i actually did start on it. I present, the first part of my probably soon to be irregularly scheduled web comic.

to be continued

Kevin’s definitive guide to Australia part 1

Having been here (Australia) for a couple of weeks I think
I can accurately make a tourists guideline/ study piece on the
place. Think of this as a national geographic special on
Australians (only now civilised people replace wild animals, small difference really).

1) The Water Ausis

Water seems to be more than life in this country.
Every restaurant you walk into a bottle of cold water is happily
handed to you whether you plan to eat there or not. In every hotel,
restaurant, waiting room or in general any building with a chair;
water is given out like a hand shake. You are strongly given the
impression to refuse the bottle and glasses would be rude and
frowned upon.
In fact. Australians are so obsessed with water I saw
two swimming pools built inside the ocean right next to a lake/dam.
See below.

2. Stupid signs

If the signs found around Australia are any indicator to the average
intelligence then we can only assume that the country’s first world
status is either a fluke or in grave danger. Signs range from the
slightly obvious such as :

“wrong way: turn back” where the turn
back is unnecessary
To the even more obvious – “slippery when wet”
(seen on a water slide)
On to the ridiculous

3) Too nice

The average Australian is way too nice. Is there such a thing some may wonder. One of
the first Australians I met had me thinking of her as the second
coming of Jesus.

She held the door at McDonalds open for me…big
deal, you may think. But I was 2 streets away. In heavy traffic
waiting for the lights to change. She held the door open patiently
for 5 mins. Did I know this person? No. The only contact we had was when she was standing next to me a few blocks back and i announced to someone i was heading to McDonalds. (Although this may have been because see found out i was African and figured the use of doors was way beyond my skill set. In that view… she was being kind to the continentally disabled and thus, still nice).

Other Australians are so nice they congratulate you for paying them. Whenever you pay for
something they go “fantastic” or “that’s great. Real great”
Here’swhat one said to me. “that’ll be 7.50 dollars please… Oh 20 dollars. Fantastic. Here’s your change” There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm. Did he congratulate me for making him give me change? I
think so. Like I said. Too nice

4) ice cold
Drinks in Ausi are served cold. Very very cold. If you use the Kenyan system of
getting cold drinks which is to use “cold” as a suffix (ie. I’ll
have a sprite – cold” they’ll just smile in a “way to go” kind of
way and proceed to fill 3/4 of your cup full of ice cubes and a minimum
of the drink. The normal (if you’re not specific) would be to fill half the cup with ice.
Warm? Two icecubes! If you ask for no ice… You confuse whoever is
serving you and you’ll get a “excuse me ?” or “are you sure?” or
most likely “then…what’ll you have instead?” Lack of ice is something of a taboo, but it wont offend anyone. They cant comprehend such a thing.

To be cont….

7 course meal from the mafia

Just yesterday I was at Mediterraneo, that Italian restauarant at Junction and i couldn’t help but notice…those menus don’t make the least bit of sense. Dont be a wise guy, I dont mean the parts written in italian. The english parts are cryptic enough thank you very much.

Here’s what i mean. One dish starts of “Rabbit saddle in…..”. EXCUSE ME? Rabbit saddle. I know culture differs from place to place but im quite sure saddles are made of leather. And why, might i ask, would anyone saddle a rabbit in the first place? Do these crazy italians actually expect to use them as a form of transportation? Are they hopping mad (i couldn’t help myself).

Then there’s some dish called, and im not making this up… “a fish parcel.” Now anyone who’s read the Godfather wouldn’t be to comfortable with Italians talking about fish parcels. AT some point in the book, the rival mafia group kills some mafia hitman hot shot (called Luca Brasi) and they deliver a parcel to the guys he worked for. The parcel was a huge fish inside the guys bullet proof vest.

Mafia guy 1: what is it?
Mafia guy 2: this…this is a Sicialian message
Mafia guy 1: …..
Mafia guy 2: it means tonight…Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

Call me old fashioned but places where people eat leather, use rabbits as valiant steeds and have orders that come with assassination on the side seem to be places to avoid.


Remember that communal blog i told you about? it’s up. You can find it here http://donotfeedthebloggers.wordpress.com/ and due to the number of bloggers, we hope itll have atleast one post per week. check it out.

Underground Miners and Fame

After watching this Chilean Miner story, I want to be trapped underground. It seems kinda nice doesn’t it?

What’s that you say? They were suffering? Ill admit, maybe the first few days were rough, but hey…towards the end, they were eating Beef stew and chicken, they had a Projector to watch Movies and Soccer for goodness sake!  You know what I ate today…nothing! I was in class. So having beef stew delivered to you while watching movies on a projector screen doesn’t seem so bad when you’ve been starving in the most boring class ever invented.

You know that moment where you’re so embarrassed you hope the ground will swallow you up? These miners proved that it’s a great place to be. Infact, the only reason the ground has not swallowed you up all this time is because its exclusive, VIP, selective entry. If you consider the embarrassment wish, almost EVERYBODY on the planet has wished to be there. Technically, it is the most sought destination in the history of the planet. These miners are the first publicized guests to visit this underground resort…who weren’t in a coffin of course.

Now, ill be the first to admit, this underground joint isn’t the fanciest thing ever. It’s a bit shabby to be honest, but the incentive packages are unbeatable. They spent 2 months there and in return, they get celebrity status, a book about them in the works, possibly a movie, apple sent them each an ipod touch, some Chilean sex symbol offered to strip tease for them, a free vacation to Greece, $10,000 in the bank and you have to give it to the underground people skills seminar because one of these guys managed to pass out plain rocks a souvenirs. Talk about a goodbye package. All other hotels ever give is a “hope you enjoyed your time” and for the more sticky-fingered among us, hotel towels and little bottles of shampoo.

I dont know about you, but im engineering my own underground fiasco, and making sure everyone knows about it from the get-go, maybe even before, so i can get the good food and stuff early on. To make it more news worthy ill have to spice it up a bit. Bring in someone from Israel, somene from Palestine. A black guy, some cops; that kind of thing. And if i can bring in some crazy freak, we might make the plot for the next “Saw” movie.

And it was said

Before you start reading, if you’ve never been here, go take a look: http://memyselfandisis.wordpress.com/

Some people have been asking…”hey what happened to the communal blog you made us vote on.” Well, you see, you people didn’t vote, and we went and spent our frustration by killing innocent puppies. I kid…we weren’t frustrated, we do that for fun.

Anyhow, the project was stalled because as you should have guessed now, our goal is actually world domination. SO , we needed to infiltrate other countries. One of our operatives, Secret Agent Killevriwan also known as Cassandrae has been having problems with her assignment. She was supposed to invade, of all places, Canada. A simple task, but nooooo…..she must learn the native tongue. Apparently, the natives have blown her cover….she wasn’t using the word “hoser” or finishing sentences with “eh”. And didn’t know anything about hockey…so, operation Steal-The-Red-Maple-Leaf is holding us back….nice going Cassandrae

The other reason, again Cassandraes fault is…she, is ofcourse trying to outdo all our blogs by making hers, the Messiah Blog. First, she created her holy trinity, “Me, Myself and Isis”; A transparent attempt to start her own religious following…which succeeded. Then she tried to name the communal blog “Cassandrae and Friends” which is just one step away from turning into “Cassandrae and her disciples”. Then, after a while she vanished….whoosh…gone. And the blogging world was thrown into chaos. And then….she’s been hinting at a return to the blogging world .A, if you will, second coming of the blog. The great resurrection. Return of the messiah blog.

So…what am i saying. Am I saying that we should call this deity cassandrae false and abandon her cause. ARE YOU CRAZY? Do you want her to send you to blog hell? Or worse…blog Azkaban? Oh no, no , no, no. you must build a shrine and worship this new deity and read of her scripture.

Where do I come into all of this. Well, I’m the high prophet, deities do not speak to the followers often except through guys like me. So, if you want to survive you must do whatever I say…and accept MY interpretation of her words. Or else…